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“I’m done giving advice! All they do is keep going back to that loser. They are so weak!”...



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On average It takes 7 to 8 times to leave an abusive situation . . . don’t judge others, for we do not know the path each of us has to walk . . .


For 5 years I worked for a nonprofit in New York City that works to help woman and children who come from backgrounds of domestic violence and sex trafficking. This organization, at its heart, wanted to give all they could to help support these warriors of unfortunate circumstance. Yes, I get to call them that because that is what they are. I knew them. I knew their stories, their struggles, their hopes, their regrets. I knew their children and I helped make sure they had a few boxes of mac and cheese to bring home before they left after every counseling session. I know you can’t have my perspective about this; you didn’t have my job. So, I am going to ask you to trust me here when I tell you: these families, these (mostly) women and children, are doing the best they can with what they were given.



We don’t all start at the same place in life. In fact, many of us start out with a roof over our head and food in our kitchen. So many of these moms, who never had that experience, try and work so hard to make sure that their children have better opportunities in life. Hey, I guess that’s a part of the American Dream. I just wish America treated their dreamers a little bit better.



This blog post is to help you understand domestic violence, so I’ll get into it.

Below are some red flags that can help you determine if you or someone you know might be in a controlling and dangerous relationship.

Take a moment and ask yourself:



Do you:

- Do you believe you can help your partner change his abusive behavior if you were only to change yourself in some way? If you only did some things differently, if you loved him or her more?

- Believe that you deserve to be abused or punished?

- Find that not making him angry has become a major preoccupation in your life?

- Do what he wants you to do, rather than what you want to do, out of fear?

- Stay with him only because you’re afraid he might hurt you if you left?

Take a moment and ask yourself:


Does your partner:

__ Control the financial aspects of your life?

__ Physically force you to do what you do not want to do?

__ Embarrass you in front of people?

__ Belittle your accomplishments?

__ Make you feel unworthy?

__ Criticize your sexual performance or demand sex when you aren’t in the mood?

__ Constantly contradict himself/herself to confuse you? Making you question what your reality is

__ Do things that cause you to constantly make excuses to yourself or others?

__ Isolate you from many of the people you care about most?

__ Make you feel ashamed a lot of the time?

__ Make you believe he/she is smarter than you and therefore more able to make decisions?

__ Use intimidation to make you do what he/she wants?

__ Prevent you from doing common-place activities such as visiting friends or family, or talking to the opposite sex?

This is a very limited list but it’s just to give you an idea of some of the patterns of behavior that one can expect in a domestic violence relationship.


What being in an abusive relationship might feel like . . .


There is a cycle to everything in life – water cycle, sleep cycle, fashion cycle…even a domestic violence cycle. It starts with the honeymoon period – you just met this person; he/she is amazing. Opens doors, compliments you, makes you feel safe and you begin to trust them. They open up to you, they act vulnerable and it helps reinforce that feeling of safety. Then something happens. The tension building phase. Maybe you didn’t meet their expectation or maybe there was something that happened at work that they are taking out on you at home. You feel like you have to walk on eggshells, just waiting for the explosion that you can feel is coming. Then it comes. It’s awful. Sometimes its violent, others times manipulative and isolating – in a way a part of you feels relieved that it happened, that its over (for now) – we have some time to breathe. During this time, we also experience reparation. This is when the abuser begins the honeymoon cycle all over again. He/she will apologize, bring home flowers, promise to change, and make great plans to never let this happen again. This sticks for a while. It gives everyone in the family hope. Then, one day . . . something triggers the abuser and we are thrown back into the abusive cycle. How would you expect someone to feel who experiences this? If I am speaking to you and this is what you experience, then you know first-hand how confusing, frustrating, scary and unstable this feels. It can be really hard in times like these to make rational decisions for yourself, your children and your family. Domestic violence is hard. It’s often kept a secret, even though what survivors need the most is support. So, if it takes you 18 times to finally walk through that door and seek out safety? That’s okay.



Okay Whit, relax. We had a fight . . . he went through my phone and honestly, if he didn’t love me why would he care enough to do that?



I hear this all the time from my teen clients – they associate control and power with love. How can I even blame them when this depiction has saturated our media for decades? Don’t get me wrong, I love Rihanna and Eminem, I really do. But that song, “Love the Way You Lie,” literally glorifies a domestic violence relationship. Not only does it talk about physical abuse, it encourages women to associate that abuse with love. It’s not just music either, movies and shows are also encouraging this association as well. For some, this association might not emphasize an unhealthy understanding of love. However, for those who grew up exposed to domestic violence, this exposure only reinforces what they already know to be true – that love is about power and control.


Common Effects of Domestic Violence on Children

· Guilt/feeling responsible for the abuse: A child may think that they are responsible for the abuse or that if they had done something differently the abuse would not have happened.


· Shame: Children may feel embarrassed that domestic violence is happening in their family. If the child moves to a shelter as a result of domestic violence, they may also feel embarrassed or stigmatized for living in a shelter.


· Anger: The child may be angry with the non-offending parent for not protecting him/herself, or them, from the abuse, or for having to leave their home to escape the abuse.


· Hypervigilance: The child may be on constant look-out for signs that an abusive incident is about to occur. This can cause anxiety.


· Grief: Children who are separated from the abusive partner may grieve over the loss. They may also grieve over losing a home, community, standard of living, relationship with parent(s) that they had before the abuse occurred.


· Ambivalence/confusion: Children may love and hate the abuser at the same time. The child may be angry with the non-offending parent and feel protective of them at the same time. These confusing feelings are very difficult for the child to process.


· Fear of physical harm: A high percentage of child witnesses of domestic violence are also abused. They may worry that the abuser will harm them.


· Worry about the future: The uncertainty of their daily lives makes children feel that life is not predictable or safe, or they don’t feel like things will get better in the future.


· Need for excessive adult attention/fear of abandonment: Young children may be very needy, holding on to adults for attention and reassurance.


· Some physical effects may include: somatic complaints (like headaches or stomach aches), changes in sleep and eating, and a change in hygiene patterns.



ABUSE ≠ LOVE,

CONTROL ≠ LOVE

POWER OVER ANOTHER ≠ LOVE.



If you are in a situation that has been described above, do not despair. There are protective factors that can keep your children safe and help encourage a happy and stable upbringing. Below are some protective factors that can help keep a child safe if he/she is in this type of environment:


- Resilience


- Effective parenting –when parents are emotionally available to their children despite their troubles, modeling assertive and non-violent responses to violence


- The need for one reliable source of support and comfort – a present caregiver


- Other positive adults in the child’s life: teachers, neighbors, relatives


- Belonging to communities, social group, churches, sports teams, and other positive social environments


- In adolescence, the peer group can be a positive influence





Resources for Support

- Domestic Violence Hotline 24/7 - 1-800-799-7233

- Find yourself a support group or therapist

- Find your child a therapist that specializes in domestic violence


- Call 911 if you feel that you are in immediate danger or go to the nearest emergency room



Thanks for stopping by,

Whit




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