We can’t appreciate the sun without a little rain (and a few tornados).
I think we’ve all heard the saying, “No Pain, No Gain.” The first time I heard it, I was taking advantage of that free training session you get when you sign up for a new gym membership. The guy was really nice and he was doing his best to motivate me; to get me closer to the goals that I had set for myself. So why did I instantly hate him when I was doing 30 lb. dead lifts and he was smiling at me saying “you got this Whit, remember no pain, no gain”? As the beads of sweat ran down my face, I shot him the evil eye . . . I wanted to throw the weights at him, but I was unsure I had the strength (we had just done hammer curls before this). As I was limping to the juice bar and thoroughly enjoying my workout high, I thought to myself, “he was right; the harder we work the more results we see.”
The harder we work to push ourselves outside our comfort zone, the more we grow. Being uncomfortable and experiencing pain is a part of life; we can’t escape it. Life is unpredictable and in vein, we often find ourselves going to great lengths to try to avoid pain/sadness/discomfort. I don’t know about you, but to me, it seems kind of pointless to try to fight against, avoid, and/or circumnavigate something that is truly inevitable. I know this is going to sound a little weird, but bear with me here. What if we embraced pain instead of avoiding it?
Embrace Pain? Are you Insane?
I know, I know . . . trust me, I’m here with you on this one. Embracing pain sounds terrible. It sounds like the opposite of living a happy and wholehearted life. Pain is something that we have been conditioned to avoid, as it is a way for our bodies to communicate with us that *things are not going well.* Remember as a child when you didn’t know anything about cooking and you tried to put your hand on the stove top? You probably don’t remember because it was a while ago, but if you didn’t feel pain and you didn’t acknowledge the heat of that stove, that moment would have gone veryyyy differently. Cue ambulance, ER, burn marks and scars for the rest of our lives. Because we all experience pain we know that touching a fire or a stove is off limits. Thus, pain can save us, protect us and teach us. Pain can also allow us to appreciate things on a deeper level. Most importantly, pain is biologically necessary since it’s the agent to inspire change.
Professor Pain is Teaching Life Lessons 101
Applying the same principles, let’s now pivot from physical pain to emotional pain. Have you ever experienced a break up, divorce, death, or some other tragic loss? Chances are you have (and I’m sorry that you had to experience the pain, but keep reading on to find out how it actually helped you!).
When we experience pain, we find out crucial information; we discover our inner strength, learn how to rely on ourselves, find out who our real friends are, and learn to appreciate time with our loved ones.
Have you ever had a group of friends who you thought were the coolest, and then they do something awful to you and cause you immense pain? Great! Now you know that those people are not your type of people. Albeit, this experience sucked (especially as a vulnerable child or teenager), but the pain was an incredible tool. It molded you into a stronger person, taught you how to manage your emotions, and informed you that these little tyrannical humans are not your type of people. Now you have a better foundation for your life, relationships and sense of self.
Pain and Death
I wanted to start this paragraph off with a joke to offset the terrible reality that death happens and it causes us a lot of pain. Then I thought, what if someone just experienced a death or a loss? Maybe they aren’t ready to turn the pain into laughter. Death, sickness, and loss of any kind is the absolute worst. Everyone grieves differently and in their own time. Pain, in this facet, is complicated and multi-layered; deaths often cause people to readjust to the new normal. Long sicknesses can be emotionally draining and leave us feeling empty. When the person does eventually leave us, we may feel relief, followed by guilt, triggered by that feeling of relief. It’s hard, it’s messy and it’s complicated (more on the stages of grief in another post) but how can we use this pain to our advantage, you ask?
Great Question
Think back to when you were a child at your first funeral. This may be where you learned for the first time that death is one part of life that is promised and absolute. You may have looked around and saw your loved ones weeping, and in that moment, you understood that their pain (and yours) was real . . . and it really sucked. A few things happened here; you recognized that people aren’t here forever, and that when they leave it’s really sad and really hard. This may have triggered within you (consciously or subconsciously) a desire to use your time with your loved ones more wisely. You may hug your mom a little tighter, give your dad an easier time on the basketball court or relinquish the TV remote to your brother. This early experience with death teaches us that we have a limited time here on earth and therefore, encourages us to really nurture our relationships. We use the pain caused by death to love deeper, and find a more meaningful connection with others. Each time someone leaves us, we can be encouraged to use that terribly sad moment as a reminder to take no one for granted and to live each day as if it is your last.
Pain & Biology: How to Use it to Your Benefit
Pain is biologically necessary since it’s the agent to inspire change. We are wired to be dissatisfied; to feel pain and to respond to it so we can continue to evolve and change. If we can learn to cope and manage our pain, then we can embrace its possibilities. Some of these possibilities for growth include, but are not limited to:
1. Developing emotional intelligence; i.e. the ability to read situations more clearly and understand ourselves more deeply;
2. Learning to sit with negative feelings – this sucks but it’s important to do;
3. Having a more positive outlook, during or after the pain storm is over.
(I know, I know... its a lot easier said than done)
Psychologists and other healing professionals suggest that we are driven by two connected motivations: to feel pleasure and avoid pain. Most of us devote more energy to the latter than the former.
Instead of being proactive and making choices for our happiness, we react to things that happen in our lives and fight or flee to minimize our pain. What if we embraced it?
When we embrace it and use it as a tool to grow and learn, we effectively restructure the suffering, discomfort, and pain. As a result, the pain is transformed into something that is powerful and useful. The idea of surrendering to life’s inevitable struggles does not mean that you take an apathetic approach. It means that you work on detaching yourself from your expectations of what “should be” and work within the present moment of what is.
Im so glad you are here. Thanks for stopping by.
- Whit
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